


Wash It Away

by LucySpencer



Series: Those Graces [21]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Heavy Angst, I Don't Even Know, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, POV Second Person, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This keeps happening, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, but first it will piss you off, seriously what am I doing, the truth will set you free
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-21 14:31:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2471642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucySpencer/pseuds/LucySpencer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Forty years of blood just washing away.</i> The interrogation continues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wash It Away

**Author's Note:**

> Hello y'all! I apparently lied when I said that part 21 was going to be in the same style as part 20, because it's not. We'll get back to Olivia's 'conversation' with her mother in the next part. This was meant to be one scene in a chapter, but it ended up longer than I planned and it didn't mesh well with the rest. I felt like this bit needed to be read before the rest of the Olivia and mom scenes, so here we have it.
> 
>  **A/N:** This gets violent. I REALLY MEAN THIS. I fully admit I get squicked easily, but it even unnerved me and I wrote the damn thing, so take heed.
> 
> Once again, this is written in the style of a deposition transcript. Q=defense attorney, A=Olivia, ADA=Barba. The 'unknown male' is...well, you'll see. He's unknown to the court reporter, if not the reader.
> 
> I'm not a doctor, scientist, or lawyer. I've used my friend Google and my years of working in all sorts of capacities in the legal field to get things as accurate as I can, but I am so not an expert and so I thank you for suspending disbelief where necessary. Title and beginning/end quotes from _wash it away_ by Black Lab.
> 
> As always, so much love and thanks to all of you. :)

_I've waited wasted lives_  
I've waited long enough, I'd say  
what about this wasted fear?  
how can I just turn and wash it away? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Detective, I'm going to give you a photo and I'd like you to state for the record what you see in it.

A: It's a gun. 

Q: More specifically.

A: It's a gun on a mattress.

Q: And have you ever seen this particular gun before?

A: Yes.

Q: Counselor, did you tell your witness to be uncooperative during the break?

ADA: How is she not cooperating? She's answered your questions, she's not obligated to provide any extra information- are you expecting her to do all your work for you?

Q: Detective. Can you tell me where you last saw the gun in this picture?

A: Right there. In the house on Long Island where the defendant took me.

Q: So you placed the gun in the location where it was found by the police- which is what we see in the photo.

A: Yes.

Q: You know, the more forthcoming you are, the sooner we can end this.

A: My schedule's already been cleared for the day.

Q: Fine. So as the last person to have handled the gun, maybe you can give us some insight as to why there were no fingerprints found on it.

A: Because. Because I'd wrapped it in a towel (indicates). At the bottom of the photo. It fell onto the floor. 

Q: So then you must know that the gun and the towel both had bleach on them, and that bleach was also found in the sink of the adjacent bathroom?

A: I do.

Q: Can you enlighten us on how all of these objects came into contact with the bleach?

A: I filled the sink with, um, with bleach that I'd found in the cabinet. I put the gun in the sink and then I used the towel to reach in and pull it out later on.

Q: And then you dropped the gun on the mattress.

A: Yes. I didn't touch it after that.

Q: And you're aware, I'm sure, that oxygen bleach destroys biological evidence- blood, bodily fluids, and so on.

A: I am.

Q: So you were deliberately tampering with a crime scene.

A: No. I mean, yes, I guess I was. But. 

Q: Which is it, yes or no?

A: Yes, I suppose. But-

Q: Thank you. Now, you made a remark about this particular gun to the doctor who initially treated you at the hospital, and then to the officer who took your witness statement. Explain this to me.

A: (pause) I don't understand the question.

Q: I'm asking you to explain what you told both of them when you were asked about the gun.

A: I don't know what there is to explain. I think I made- they asked, I told the truth, I don't know what other commentary I can give you. It was all in there.

Q: Counselor, can you please tell your witness to answer the question?

ADA: I believe she did. You asked for an explanation, she said she didn't know. She doesn't have to speculate on something she's unsure of. 

Q: Did you or did you not tell both of them that the defendant raped you with the gun in question?

A: (inaudible)

Q: Can you please answer with a yes or no?

(Pause)

Q: Yes or no, Detective. 

A: Yes. He did.

Q: And yet conveniently you destroyed the only concrete evidence there was to support your claim?

A: The medical report right there in your hand, I assume you've read it? 

Q: You're not the one asking questions here.

A: It was a rhetorical question, and I was interrupted before I could finish.

Q: Counselor.

ADA: She's allowed to ask questions if she chooses to. Rhetorical or non. I honestly don't know what you want me to do here, she's answered everything you asked. Albeit maybe not in the way you would have liked. Once more, can we move on?

Q: Moving on, then. Detective, do you understand the nature of circumstantial evidence? That just because the findings in the medical report were consistent with your story, that doesn't rule out alternate explanations?

A: I'm aware of that, yes. 

Q: That it's possible the injuries you sustained could have been as a result of some sort of consensual rough sex?

A: I suppose anything's possible, but that's not what happened.

Q: Then maybe you should refresh my memory as far as what you claim actually happened. 

A: It was Thursday evening. I don't know what time. The sun was setting. We were in the house on Long Island. The defendant and I. He had gone into the kitchen and I don't know what he was doing. But it was loud. I think he was looking for something. Knives, maybe.

Q: And where were you?

A: The bedroom. He had me handcuffed to the bed. Ever since we had gotten there on Thursday morning. I hadn't been allowed to get up except to go to the bathroom. And then. Well.

Q: Well?

A: He came back into the bedroom. He was on top of me. Kissing me. I knew he had just been drinking because I could smell it all over him. And then suddenly he pushed me over onto my stomach. I couldn't see what was going on but I could hear him unzip his pants. Then there was nothing. I could hear him breathing but that was all.

Q: And did you say anything to him?

A: I said for him to get off me. Please. That I would do anything. And that wasn't an offer. I was trying to, ah, to keep him from hurting me.

Q: And he said?

A: Nothing. Not then, at least. The next thing I knew, um, he was assaulting me again. Vaginally. With his fingers. And I didn't move. I was playing dead but not intentionally, I suppose. I didn't. I'd lost all the energy I had to keep fighting and I, ah, I just felt limp. I don't know how long that went on for but at some point he got angry that he wasn't getting any sort of reaction from me and he stopped. He shoved me forward so that my head hit the metal on the corner of the bed and then. Then he pushed me again so I was on my back. He said 'you think you're too good for me now, you little slut?' and then he started hitting me across the face, uh, shaking me, like that until he stopped and he sat back at my feet.

Q: Where was the gun all this time?

A: At the foot of the bed. He picked it up and didn't say anything. He was just moving it from one hand to the other and back again. Then he, ah, he was just dragging the butt of the gun along my legs and I didn't, I had no idea what was going to happen until. (Inaudible)

Q: Can you repeat that?

A: Yeah. I, give me a second. He (pause). He. He was holding me down and the gun. He, um. God. I- he held me down and raped me with the gun. (Pause). Again I, I don't know how long this went on. I screamed, I tried to fight him off but he had me pinned down. I couldn't move so I just screamed.

Q: And after that? 

A: Um, he set the gun down on the table and said he needed another bump. And then he walked out of the room. It's- that's what happened. 

Q: Mmhmm. (Indicates toward photo). So you have this story, and yet we have no way of connecting the gun in question with this incident, because- as you yourself admit, you submerged it in bleach, knowing that you would destroy any biological evidence. Why is that?

A: I, uh. I wasn't thinking clearly, I wasn't thinking of. Of (inaudible).

ADA: Olivia, you can say you want a break any time if you need a minute. It's all up to you.

A: I'm fine. I'm fine. 

Q: So can you tell us what you actually were thinking at the time, then?

A: I don't (pause). I wasn't trying to.

ADA: Take your time, Olivia. It's okay.

A: (pause) I couldn't look at it anymore. I wanted it gone. 

Q: But at this point you knew the police were on their way?

A: Yes. I had- I was on the phone with Detective Amaro.

Q: Did you tell him what you were doing?

A: No. He, uh, he asked what the liquid sound was, though.

Q: And according to him, you didn't answer the question.

A: He's right. I hung up on him. 

Q: And during this time, where's the defendant in all this?

A: He was unconscious. In the bedroom. I had him handcuffed. 

Q: At what point did the defendant free himself?

A: After I hung up the phone.

Q: So when a struggle ensued between the two of you, the gun was still soaking in the bathroom?

A: It was. I, that's how, that's why I grabbed the metal bar from the bed frame. It was the closest thing that I could use for a weapon.

Q: And so after he was subdued, that's when you went back to retrieve the gun?

A: Yes. I wrapped it in the towel in the photo and put it on the bed like you saw, I didn't touch it after that. 

Q: I see (pause). Detective, am I alone in thinking that this whole story seems completely devoid of logic?

A: I have no idea what anyone else's opinion is. I'm telling it as it happened.

Q: What you're describing, this kind of behavior- it seems severely, well, haphazard. To say the least.

ADA: Being haphazard, as you put it, it's not a crime. If you're accusing the witness of lying under oath, let's just come right out and say it.

Q: Not at all. I'm sure she understands the seriousness of perjury. But what I want to go back to is your statement, I believe your words were, I couldn't look at it anymore. Did it occur to you that there were other ways to 'not look at it' that didn't involve destroying evidence?

A: No.

Q: Not at all?

A: I was, at the time I was panicking. I was drunk, I couldn't focus, I honestly. Honestly I wasn't thinking about.

Q: About?

A: I had a severe concussion. I'd hardly eaten anything in days.

Q: That's what you were thinking about?

ADA: Could you maybe stop interrupting and let the witness finish what she's trying to say? Olivia, take your time, take all you need. We're not in a rush.

A: I know the importance of not contaminating a crime scene. It wasn't, it was never malicious on my part, um, I wouldn't do that.

Q: You wouldn't do that, because there never was a crime! That's what I think happened. You panicked because you knew the police were coming and so you decided to make it look like you were covering something up. That way, you had an excuse ready when there wasn't any evidence on the gun to support your story about being assaulted.

A: Was that, is there a question in there? 

Q: Are you still maintaining that the defendant used that gun to rape you?

A: Yes. Everything I said before (pause). That's exactly what happened. I told you everything.

Q: You never made an attempt to cast doubt on whether the sexual contact between you and the defendant was consensual?

A: No. I didn't. Because I didn't need to. I was never, uh, there was never any sort of consensual sex between me and him. Never. 

Q: And why should anyone believe that? I have you on record right here admitting you deliberately tampered with evidence. I wouldn't exactly consider that honest behavior. 

A: I never lied. I never denied that I was the one who cleaned off the gun. I was truthful about that from the beginning. I didn't lie.

ADA: Olivia, maybe you should take a break.

A: I'm fine. I don't need it.

Q: Let's take a step back, Detective. I want to go back to- help me understand. Assuming that what you say is true, that you were assaulted against your will, why destroy evidence that would support your story? 

A: I already said. I don't, I wasn't able to think clearly.

Q: How clearly do you have to be thinking in order to realize evidence tampering is a bad idea? I mean, you've been in law enforcement for two decades. Surely you would- I'd presume even most civilians in this day and age would know that just from watching television. You were lucid enough to free yourself from where you were handcuffed, to incapacitate the defendant, to call for help, to clean off the gun- but you weren't thinking clearly?

A: No. I guess. Not when it came to, to that.

Q: Did you or did not think to yourself at some point that you shouldn't be doing this, that you should leave the gun alone?

A: Yes. I did. I knew I shouldn't have been, I, I knew when I dropped it in the sink, this isn't a good idea.

Q: But you did it anyway, and yet you still can't articulate why?

A: I wanted it gone, I already said that.

ADA: And that's it. Olivia, we're going to take (inaudible).

A: No. I'm fine.

Q: Counselor, will you please let your witness finish what she has to say? You can continue now, Detective, I'm sorry you were interrupted. Now, you were telling me you wanted it gone.

A: I couldn't, I knew I couldn't get rid of the gun altogether so. This was all. All I could do.

Q: Soaking the gun in bleach, that's all you could do?

ADA: We have experts prepared to testify on how traumatic stress affects judgment. Just because her behavior might not be objectively rational, that doesn't automatically mean she's being dishonest.

Q: Do you always have a problem with talking out of turn, counselor?

ADA: Always, yes. 

Q: If you could please answer the question, Detective.

A: I only, all I was thinking about was. Was getting it clean.

Q: But why? That's what I've been trying to get at here and you're not giving me a straight answer. Why?

A: Because I didn't want anyone else to find out, okay? (Pause) I'm sorry, I, I'm sorry- no, I'm fine, I said, I just want to get this over with now so stop asking. I. (Pause) I'm sorry. I didn't want to, to have everyone knowing.

Q: So you're saying that a crime took place, and you wanted to conceal it- why? Were you trying to protect someone?

A: No! 

Q: You wanted to destroy evidence so no one would find out about this alleged assault, and yet not long afterward you're telling multiple people about this same exact incident that you were just trying to cover up? Again, this story is nonsensical. You're contradicting yourself.

A: I'm not. They, I got, I was asked directly what happened by the doctor and by the IA rep. I wasn't going to lie to them.

Q: So somewhere in between Long Island and Manhattan you suddenly developed a conscience?

ADA: Olivia, you don't have to answer that. That's what we call witness harassment.

Q: Fine. Consider the last question withdrawn and I'll rephrase. What made you decide to be honest after you had already, in essence, lied by covering up a crime?

A: I told you, I don't lie. They asked, I told them the truth. 

Q: And in your personal experience, do people typically go about deliberately destroying evidence because they're innocent? Or are they usually trying to hide something that would point to their guilt?

A: I don't know, I can't answer that. Every situation's different.

Q: Why would you feel guilty about being assaulted completely against your will?

A: I don't.

Q: Not at all? You didn't do or say anything you felt guilty about later?

(Pause)

Q: Should I repeat the question?

ADA: Will you give her a moment here?

A: No. I didn't (pause). I don't feel guilty.

Q: You didn't consent to anything and then decide in a panic that you didn't want to face the consequences?

A: No.

Q: You didn't invent a story about being assaulted and then try to cover up that the evidence didn't support the story you created?

A: No. No. 

ADA: Olivia. Look at me. Breathe.

Q: You don't feel guilty about supposedly destroying evidence just because you were ashamed of what allegedly happened to you?

A: (inaudible)

Q: No? Is that what you're saying? You're mumbling, we can't hear-

ADA: (bangs on table) That's enough! I'm requesting a 30 minute recess- Olivia, yes we are, it's not a choice this time- counselor, if you wouldn't mind excusing yourself so I can talk to my witness in private?

Q: We're in the middle of a question here, if you could just instruct your witness to give us an answer we can understand-

ADA: Like hell I will. Olivia, it's okay, I've got this under control. Breathe. Counselor, as you can see- my witness suffers from severe panic attacks. She's not answering anything. If you've got a problem with that, take it up with the judge. Olivia. I told you, I've got this.

Q: I'm going to go make some calls. I'll be back in 30.

ADA: We'll see about that (pause). Liv, it's okay. It's over. She's gone, we-

Unknown male: The fuck is going on here now? Why the fuck is she crying?

ADA: We'll be out in a moment, Brian, if you could wait (inaudible).

Unknown male: She's fucking shaking, what the hell did you let them do to her? Babe, sssh, I've got you. I've got you. She's had enough of this shit, man, I'm taking her home.

A: I'm fine. I'll be fine. I'm so sorry, I thought I could keep it together and- oh god, I fucked up, I'm sorry.

ADA: It's not your fault. You hear me? It's okay, I'm not worried about that. I want to make sure you're okay.

Unknown male: Does she look like she is? I- you're all right, babe, relax. Yeah, she's done here, I don't give a shit what you say. Hey. Sssh.

A: I'm fine, really, fine.

Unknown male: Why is this lady still typing? What the hell, you don't get to write down everything I say, I'm not under oath here. What the fuck kind of place is this?

A: Brian.

ADA: Ma'am, we've gone off the record. For a while now. I need you to stop, I thought that was obvious.

(The deposition was adjourned at 11:21 AM)

_so send me an angel_  
send me the ghost that I was, that I am  
and I will wash it away  
if I can, then I will  
I will wash it away


End file.
